big fish
“You’re probably just used to being a big fish in a little pond… and now you’re just not.” Although not spoken in a snotty or hateful tone, her words resounded in my head. A harsh cymbal clash, vibrations winding deeper and deeper into my long-term memory. It’s been fifteen years, and I can still access that sound byte as easily as a song on Spotify.
I’d auditioned for the Spring musical at my small university and didn’t get a part. Any part. Not a chorus member. Not a prop.
I will save you my theatrical bio, but I have a long list of lead roles and chorus parts at reputable community theatres, one of the most recent lead roles at this very same college’s theatre. And yet, in this new musical, I wasn’t even invited to the chorus.
If you’ve spent any time in theatre, you know that this might not altogether be uncommon, but in this particular instance, the only other student who was in my same boat was rumored to have sacrificed rabbits in his dorm room. I’m not saying the rumor is true, but it gives you some insight into his personality.
The cast list and the less-than-empathetic conversation with a friend devastated me. Theatre was where I had built my identity since age 11. What would I do with my free time if not memorizing lines, practicing choreography, and attending rehearsals? Worse: what would I do when all of my friends were in the midst of tech week and too busy to hang out with me? My whole self felt lost. I allowed the dissonance to break me, and I never auditioned again.
I’m not proud that I gave up. I preach perseverance to myself and my kids. But this particular demolition allowed me to rebuild a part of myself that was on a false foundation. Theatre can be a great extracurricular activity with many benefits; the arts are a wonderful place for a Jesus-follower to use their gifts for his glory. However, I wasn’t shining a light on anything except myself. I had made my identity about who I was and what I could do, instead of as a child of God.
Seven years after this rejection, between practice sets for the praise band at church, the leader called me aside. “I just want you to know that your presence here has been really important. Yeah, you have a nice voice, but really what I’m getting at is that the way you sing is really obviously worshipful. Like, we know you’re singing for God and to God, and that’s really inspiring, you know?”
In a world where the talents of both big and little fish are not enough, there’s a God who loves us and wants us. I still struggle with placing my identity somewhere I shouldn’t, but I didn’t, and can’t, do anything to earn the love he freely offers through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and boy, I can’t help but sing for that.
I will sing to the Lord all my life, I will sing praise to my God as long as I live, Psalm 104:33
Have you ever put your identity in your abilities or accomplishments?